So I can’t quite get to bed just yet.. but a random thought popped in my mind.. “When you take all the fabrication away, you’re left with a real person”.  Sadly, everyone’s blinded with all these stupid things that seem to matter to them and to other people that they want to impress.  Why does impressing someone really matter that much?  Taken to such an extent where people will just run their mouths about something/someone they know nothing about.  You sit down and strip away someone’s “status”, take away everything that shouldn’t even matter, and you’re left with someone’s character.  A person’s character is what should matter most when picking and choosing friends, and even a significant other, but no, majority of us are just blinded by the bullshit.  So much bullshit that you don’t even wanna believe the sugarcoating that goes on around you.. actually, more like you second guess the niceness that goes on.. is it sincere? is it fake? are they just trying to get “info” just to go around and talk shit about you?  People work in mysterious ways I guess but sometimes, usually majority of the time, people just don’t know when to just grow up and let shit go.  I’ve done my share of talking about others, and it was completely my mistake for talking, but NEVER was that shit fake.  I couldn’t make up these stories about other people even if I wanted to.  These people that hand off what I say are usually people that I trusted, but obviously can’t be trusted if I heard my fuck up come right back to me.  Have I stopped? Yes.. you learn to separate the good from the bad, and usually the good are the people that have stuck with you for years and years.  Shit, I’m rambling.. kinda wanna ramble about something else now.. hmmm.. Let’s go straight to the whole “mid life crisis” bullshit shall we?  I’m not exactly going through a midlife crisis, but I’ve hit that point in my life where I just want to find that person to settle down with.. I think as a female, we’ll all hit that point where we want to find that person because lets face it, we don’t stay young forever and we dream of having a wedding and producing our own family.  I honestly felt like I found that person but was only blinded by empty promises.. am I bitter? Pretty bitter but what can you do? I still love the person, but I cannot change what doesn’t want to be changed.  I currently found something amazing and love the fact that I’m not living a lie.. not that the other person lied to me, but it wasn’t real.. it was kinda like waking up from a really good dream, it was just something of the imagination.. I love being able to proudly boast about whomever it is, love that I don’t have to hide a single thing unless it’s something that we both choose to keep between just us.. I’ve always just wanted someone real to turn to and call “my boyfriend” and mean all the smiles that I show off, and genuinely feel the way that my heart should feel, etc etc.. I’m not gonna lie, I honestly wanted the false hope to become the honest truth eventually but it seems as though it’ll just be living within my dreams. I’m still coping to let go and/or just accept that it is what it is and I’ve found someone that will fill those shoes that I’ve wanted filled for quite some time now, but.. I guess it’s just a matter of time to see how things will pan out? It’s kinda sad and upsetting to think that we go through so much bullshit just to have a taste of what real happiness is…

Hmmm.. maybe I should use this thing more often?.. I said that last time but I never got around to doing so :P but, I suppose its time for an update on things.. This won’t be a post about any deep thoughts (I don’t think) but more for me to vent.. I’ve been stuck in a situation that I’ve put myself in for a while now, and I finally broke free.. well, I thought I broke free.. Seems like when I finally got tired of being the way I was (being on a roller coaster of emotions), things just got worse.. Everyone just wants to find happiness, but what happens when it’s too late for some to accomplish? Seems like they can’t accept the fact that they messed up and are becoming selfish.  Selfish in a way that they cannot let go of what they’ve slowly pushed away without even knowing it.. then you get upset that things aren’t going your way.. Not to be a bitch, but it’s your own fault.. I just want to be happy, yet others want to think that they’re the only ones who can fulfill that role.. But why now? Why do you decide to come around when it’s too late? It’s not like I’ve never given you a warning.. I handed out warnings like candy on Halloween.. I don’t understand.. Being in this situation makes things harder on me rather than easier.  I thought that I could just move on, but you won’t let me.. I wanted you for so long yet you never made anything happen, now that I’ve found someone new, it feels good to truly smile without having a second thought about the reality of it.. Mmmm now I feel like I’m rambling cause I’m sleepy.. Blogs are a way to vent but people will always talk and misconstrue what others are trying to convey.. I don’t want to put too much detail out there, and I know that people will misread this post like everyone likes to have misconceptions of others.. So, you all will live off of “he said she said” unless YOU personally ask me yourself.. we’re all grown ups, why don’t we act like it? No need to stoop down to a lower level of ridiculousness just to impress people that probably won’t give two shits about you if you died.

I think I need to use my tumblr more often.. at least for the mean time since I’m not taking a summer sesh.. A lot of things have happened since I last posted.. I’ve found a new love, my baby Zero (my dog, not a real child), and he brings so much happiness to his Mommy :) I’m going through some minor ups and downs with life, but when will that ever end? Life will always be a roller coaster.. I’ve decided that it’s finally time to go back to doing the little modeling thing, even though I was never big time at all.. just something to do I guess.. Do I have the motivation to return to that kinda living? Sorta, not really.. I honestly don’t know why I’m going to do it again.. maybe it’s cause there’s people out there that say I have potential and the creativity? Idk, I still can’t answer that for you.. What I do know is that I’ve found something that I’ve never found before.. it’s a someTHING and a someONE.. You ever have that feeling that you gave up on a thought, but you found someone to show you that it’s possible? You ever feel like everything’s too good to be true? You ever feel like what you have is so precious that if someone took it away from you, you’d be devastated? I have all those mixed feelings, emotions and thoughts right now.. You turn to those whom you trust and they tell you that what you feel is what your heart really wants, but those others whom you’ve known for years tell you otherwise.. do you listen to the crowd that cheers for the new band? or do you turn to the crowd that’s stuck around with the old 80’s band? Who’s right? Who’s wrong? You know what to feel, but you second guess yourself for a split second because you listen to what others say.. I’ll give myself one more chance and listen.. I’ve always done what I thought was good, but I was wrong and didn’t realize it til the dust settled.. One last run through with my own judgment shouldn’t hurt, right? If it feels different and feels right for the first time, then why the hell not? I shouldn’t second guess myself.. not this time..

Recapping 2010, it was a good year.. met lots of new and wonderful faces, but some we’re also the worse people to meet.. You win some, you lose some, right? I don’t really care, but sometimes it makes me question myself.. What the FUCK did I do to you? Nothing, but you wanna act like I did, so go ahead and be a child about things.. that’s your own problem you’ve created for yourself.. For those of you that were great, thank you for being amazing.. 2011 is just another year for me, I don’t really make goals for the year, I just decide to make random changes.. One thought is to return to the whole “modeling” thing.. not sure if I will, but I feel like I should to keep myself busy with things.. Tired of dealing with emotions and feelings, so I’d rather keep busy.. don’t wanna get blindsided like I have a tendency to do.. I’ve mentioned on FaceBook that I have this “curse of the odd years” and I’m hoping that this year will break that.. Usually during odd years, I go through a roller coaster of emotions and depression.. People say it helps to build character, and yes, I agree but sometimes a person can grow very very tired of dealing with it.. So far, this year is looking quite promising and it’s kinda got me excited to see what more is to come, but the thought of it coming to an end at some point is lingering in the back of my mind.. I’ve already had to deal with a “friend” stating that he doesn’t want to be my friend anymore because “I come around when I want something”.. Really? Because I’m sure we all have our own lives to live, and that’s fine with me cause he’s not one of my homies/close friends.. Some people need to realize that there’s a difference between my close friends that I can consider family, and the people that I just hang out with.. Another thing that baffles me about this person is the fact that he wants to talk all this bullshit, why can’t you be a fuckin man and just not say anything? Some people like to think that I’m such a pushover.. again, these are the people that I don’t consider one of my close friends.. Ugh, anyways.. Besides that bullshit, this year is starting off pretty good.. It’s just another year for us to all grow emotionally and for some, physically.. If 2011 ends up being a crappy year for me, I hope it’s much better for you.. you may need this year to shine more than I do..

Not sure exactly why I decided to create a tumblr account.. guess cause I needed another place to vent? Sometimes sharing thoughts with people I know isn’t good enough to help put my mind at ease..

It’s 2 days after Christmas, and I know I should be happy, but there’s something eating me up inside, and I don’t know what it is and why.. It could be the fact that I’m telling myself to suppress feelings and thoughts again, fighting with myself to find sanity and build a new type of happiness for myself.. Or, it could be nothing that I’m turning into something.. but isn’t that how everything starts? Nothing turned into something? I don’t know.. but I’m juggling thoughts like crazy.. Seems as if sleeping is my only comfort and answer to this equation, but even getting to that state is hard..

I know that one thought that constantly dances in my head is the fact that no one spares the time to get to know me.. those who would like to, I don’t care to share.. or is it me just closing myself off cause I feel that they’re not worthy enough? I don’t think it’s the worthy part.. I think it’s more that I’m becoming more picky and wise with whom I share information with.. Ok, scratch the “wise” part cause I tend to trust everyone until they fuck me over.. sadly, in the end, it’s not them fucking me over, it’s me.. But let’s run it back to the “getting to know me” part.. Lately, people want to pretend that they care about me and what I’m about.. you don’t care, you only care about yourself.. I understand that there’s people out there that are only looking out for themselves, but know that you’re also effecting another person.. People like to think that I’m just all about laughs and having a good time, but in reality, I like to hide behind a mask.. I’ve always done so since I was a child.. I guess that’s why I don’t let certain people know what bounces around in this head of mine, they think the only thing in here are jokes and nonsense.. Those that have read what I’ve wrote in the past, or have sat down and actually had deep conversations with me were surprised with what I say and how I think.. makes me kinda think they never really thought much of me, but whatever.. Even typing this out right now is making me hold back, but obviously I’m not stupid enough to pour my heart and soul out onto the web.. Basically, I just want people to understand that I’m more deeper of a person than that shallow puddle that they think is me.. but I know that many will never grasp that concept and I’ll have to learn to accept that..